


Do You Know How It Feels?

by LXVI_66



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bonding over their dislike of Jared, Connor Lives, Connor Murphy Lives (Dear Evan Hansen), Connor's Concerned, Crying, Cussing, Drug Use, Fluff and Angst, Friendship/Love, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Jareds mean, M/M, Sad Children, Suicide Attempt, evan is sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-01
Updated: 2020-01-03
Packaged: 2021-02-27 15:07:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22059049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LXVI_66/pseuds/LXVI_66
Summary: Evan’s had enough of it and Connor’s had enough of it. The two boyos bond over their overlapping stories and mutual dislike of Jared. Angst with a fluffy ending!TW: Contains cussing, attempted suicide and drug use.
Relationships: Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy
Comments: 10
Kudos: 101





	1. Evan

\---

The week started like every other one. Wake up, have a shower, eat breakfast as mom left for work and walk to school. Evan had a car, and he knew driving to school would be far easier. But. Walking was always nice to him. He always got to see nature when doing so, which in his mind, was a good start to the day. 

_“That doesn’t mean it will be a good day though.”_ Evan thought to himself, while walking through a park. School is alright to Evan, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s good. He gets to learn, yes. But lunch and anything besides class is what he dreads. 

As Evan makes his way through the school gates, he realizes something. He didn’t take his meds. _“Shit”_ Evan thought. _“Shitshitshit.”_ He was right, walking through nature didn't mean it would be a good day afterall. It was just the start to a bad one. 

“You look like you’ve seen better days.” Jared says coming out of nowhere. It was around 5 minutes until the first bell would ring, so this time was reserved for small talk and social media with friends. 

Before Evan could even open his mouth, Jared cut him off. “Save your explanation, you know I don’t care.”

_“There it is”_ Evan thought dejectedly. Jared Kleinman, a family ‘friend’. The one reason he talks to Evan is for free car insurance, which he gets from his mom. Other than that, Jared mocks or acts blunt around him. _“At least it’s better than nothing.”_

“So, uh, what are you doing” Evan said curiously whilst sitting down, as Jared typed on his computer.

“Coding.” Jared replied, coldly. _“What’s gotten to him?”_ Evan thought warily. 

A minute lasted as Jared continuously typed on his keyboard; deleting and pasting different information. But then, Jared suddenly stopped, looking up at Evan.

“Why do you have to be so weird all the time?” He said, breaking the silence.

“What?” Evan tried to ask. “I don’t understand-”

“No, I mean it. You know I don’t really care. So why do you try to keep getting closer?” Jared somewhat yelled. 

This irritated Evan slightly. Why was Jared so pissed? He didn’t do anything to him, did he?

“Why are you yelling??” Even said cautiously, looking around. A few people looked their way, with their interest piqued. 

“Because I fucking can!” Jared shouted. Almost everyone was looking their way now. Even Alana stopped talking and watched the scene play out. 

“Can you please calm down!” Evan screeched in a whisper, his thoughts racing. _“What’s happening to him? What did I do wrong?!”_

“No!” Jared exclaimed. “We’re not friends, we’re not ‘buddies’ so stop acting like it!” 

This tipped Evan off his edge. _“What is wrong with him, how can he say this stuff in front of these people?!"_

_"...Screw it.”_

“At least I put effort into being nice! Do you know how many times I’ve left school thinking I’m a mistake because of you!” Evan cried, standing up to Jared. “You treat everyone around you like trash! You make every situation worse than it should be, whilst being amused about it at the same time!” 

“I’ve had enough!” And with that, Evan left the scene, ramming through the crowd. 

… 

“Why!” Evan said storming out of school, “Of all the days to forget my meds” 

Evan stopped a few meters away from the school gate and started debating. _“I’ve already left, and there’s no point in going back after that commotion. It don’t want to talk to anyone at this point.”_

Evan looked back as he heard the first bell ring. _“That settles it.”_ Evan concluded, and walked back through the park. He soon realised that he had never skipped school before, at least not purposefully. This was new to him, so he decided to take his time walking. 

A few hours passed, and Evan felt numb; his mind in a slight haze. “How long have I been walking?” Evan groaned aloud. He looked around at the unfamiliar place. He was in a park of some kind, with many apple trees around. 

“Apple trees?” Evan said drearily. “The Apple Orchard??” 

Evan searched the place, it seemed like no one had been there for months. The trees were in poor condition, with only a few that hadn’t withered or been broken. 

As he kept looking around, one tree caught his eye. It was another fading apple tree, with a few engravings and some rope. _“Wait…”_ Evan thought. 

“A noose??”


	2. Connor

Connors week started as usual too. Wake up, have a shower, argue with his family, eat some breakfast, take some drugs and drive to school.

Except. That day was completely different.

Connor knew for a fact, that he was going to skip school like always, he fucking planned to. What changed the day from a normal one though, was before school.

He and Zoe entered school slightly early for a change. Around 3 minutes early to be exact. Usually they were late and always after the first bell. In Connors defence, it was only homeroom they were missing, and homeroom was complete horse shit. 

Connor walked toward the front area of the school, with Zoe a few meters ahead. _“I hate this place.”_ Connor thought bitterly. It was the place of judgement and small talk. Whenever Connor would enter school early, that’s where he would hear it all. The loud whispers and disgusted looks. It was obvious that it was the place to gossip; especially about him. 

But something changed as Connor walked towards that area. There seemed to be a crowd forming, almost every student seemed fixated on something. And that’s when Connor saw it. 

“-You treat everyone around you like trash! You make every situation worse than it should be, whilst being amused about it at the same time!” 

There was an argument going on, between two guys. _“Now that’s new...”_ Connor thought with surprise. He obviously recognized both of the people. One of those guys was Jared Kleinman, a stuck-up piece of shit and would always start gossip about Connor. Connor smirked, glad that someone was standing up to the arrogant prick, until he saw who the opposing guy was. 

Evan Hansen... Connor didn’t know much about him. He only knew him because they were in a class once. Evan always seemed like a quiet, awkward, guy; so seeing him not only yell, but stand up for himself, was a bit startling. 

“I’ve had enough!” Connor heard Evan say. Soon Evan stormed off towards Connor’s direction, barging through the crowd, and through the entrance of the school. 

“Was that Evan?” Connor heard Zoe say. 

“Yeah… ” He replied, taken aback.

Soon the crowd dissipated, leaving a pissed off Jared and loud gossip. _“The fucker deserved it”_ Connor thought with a smirk towards Jared. 

After a long minute, the first bell rang and everyone headed to their homeroom

… 

After two classes, Connor knew he wouldn’t stay for long. It was lunch anyway; a perfect time to leave. As Connor headed to his locker, someone crashed into his shoulder.

It was Jared. K. 

“Watch it, psycho!” He shouted, pissing Connor off to no end.

“Watch it yourself, dumbass.” Connor replied coldly, staring straight into Jareds eyes. 

There was something off about Jared, he realised. Although, still a complete dickhead, his eyes were a bit more pink around the edges. _“I know those symptoms…”_ Connor thought. 

“You’re fucking high aren’t you?” Connor said his thoughts out loud, with a small smirk. “‘Cuz you sure look like it.”

Jared then looked like a deer in headlights, which Connor had to suppress a laugh. _“Caught you!”_ Connor thought, maliciously. 

"Fuck off, you fucking freak” Jared said without hesitation.

“What did you just say to me?!” Connor snapped, slamming his fist into the closest locker, which was his own.

This caused everyone in the hallway to look towards the argument. _“I don’t want to fucking deal with this.”_ Connors' thoughts snarled. Connor then abruptly took Jared by his shirt. 

“ _You’re_ the fucking freak, Kleinman.” Connor snapped, throwing Jared to the ground, and sprinting off. 

... 

_“That’s it,”_ Connor’s thoughts swirled as he got into his car. _“I’ve had enough of this.”_

Connor then drove off out of school, fully knowing his destination, and preparing himself for the coming events. 

The car ride was relatively fast; around 40 minutes. There was no traffic, or delays, which also gave less time for Connor to think about what he was going to do. 

Connor parked his car and made his way to his tree. He remembers all the times enjoyed within the orchard; with his sister and even his mom and dad. 

As Connor walked towards his destination, he heard a faint choking. _“Wait…”_ Connor thinks. As he walks closer to the tree, the choking gets louder. Realisation hits him and Connor starts sprinting. _“Oh fuck!”_

As he finally gets to the apple tree, there Evan is, using Connors own noose.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooooohh, it's getting serious! What will Connor do? 
> 
> I hope you liked the chapter!


	3. Talk it Out

“What the fuck!!” Connor shouts, quickly seizing Evans legs and pushing him upwards. As this happens Evan quickly takes off the rope encasing his neck, causing a large coughing fit. 

Connor, unable to support Evan’s weight anymore, drops him to the ground. 

“What the fuck is wrong with you?!” Connor screamed at Evan whilst pacing in front of him. “You can’t just _commit suicide!!_ ” 

At this point, Evan’s coughing had started to fade. All that was left though, was small hiccups and uneven breathing. Connor heard this and looked Evans way. There Evan was, perched against a tree root, silently sobbing away. 

_“Well… shit.”_ Connor thought abruptly, his previous thoughts being stuffed into the back of his head. 

With a bit of hesitation, Connor sat down next to Evan. Connor didn’t know what to say, and Evan, he was scared out of his mind. _“Oh my god, oh my god.”_ Evan panics as his thoughts spiral. A few minutes pass, until Connor can muster his voice. 

“Hey, uh, are you okay, man?” Connor said with concern, looking towards Evan. 

“Yeah.” Evan’s voice rasped as he rubbed his throat. “I-I’m Sorry.” 

“It’s alright… “ Connor muttered. “Do you, uh, do you wanna talk about it?”

It was clear that Connor didn’t know what he was doing. Evan didn’t either, even as he opened his mouth to speak. 

“I-It’s Jared.” Evan started, as he fiddled with a twig. “This morning I-I forgot to take my meds and, uh, I got into a fight with him.” 

As Evan pressed the twig into the dirt, he continued with his explanation. Connor listening intently. “You see, Jared is usually like that, uh, usually blunt and mocking. He and I are ‘family friends.’ He only talks to me to get free car insurance, although I c-can’t really blame him that much.” 

Evan started to look saddened, so that’s when Connor decided to chime in.

“At least it’s better than being called a freak.” Connor revealed with a huff whilst smirking. “All because I threw a printer at Mrs. G when I was younger.”

Evan looked toward Connor with surprise; he never knew the full story of Connor’s grim fame. 

“That’s when it all spiraled down.” Connor continued dully. “People started calling me things, like ‘school-shooter,’ and ‘psychopath’. At least no one could really blame me for taking drugs after that, not even Zoe.” 

“I wouldn’t be surprised If Jared started it all. He’s-uh, he’s good at that.” Evan replied back to Connor. 

“Yeah, me neither.” Connor huffed. 

A small silence filtered in after their conversation. It wasn’t awkward nor tense. It was comforting. Connor thought about what Evan said and Evan thought about what Connor said. It was weird, knowing each other's worries. That’s when Evan decided to break the silence.

“Thank you for saving me.” Evan stated, his voice quivering. “I can’t believe that, if you weren’t around, I-I wouldn’t ever _be_ here anymore.”

Connor turned his attention to Evan once more. His eyes were wide, and hooked onto the noose above them. Connor never really took it all in. After the argument with Jared, Evan must have walked to the Orchard and found his noose. Has Evan ever been to the Apple Orchard at all? Did he know that the noose was there? Is he okay??

“It’s no problem really…” Connor confessed, breaking out of his thoughts. “If it weren’t for you, _I_ wouldn’t be here either.”

Evan looked back, completely shocked. “Is t-this is yours?” He whispered. 

“Yeah…” Connor mumbled back. “I’ve never bothered to go to it, until today.”

Silence was on the two runaway students once again. They both wanted to speak and ask questions, but they didn’t know how to do it. Why did Connor have a noose? How does Evan know of the noose? Is Connor okay? Is Evan Okay? 

“Have you been here before this? The Orchard- I mean?” Connor asked. 

“No.” Evan replied. “After I left school, I just, walked. I-I don’t really remember how I got here. It seems like a sad place though.”

“It wasn’t always like this though.” Connor announced.

“Before it became this, when the place had funding, I used to go here with my family. The place was fucking gorgeous. The trees were green, and the grass was always cut perfectly. I'm pretty sure the lakes even had turtles and fish in them. As surreal as it seems, I kinda miss those times. Being with my sister, mom and dad… Never being high or a ‘freak.’” 

Connor smiled towards Evan, breaking out of his tangent. “So ...how did you, uh, break your arm?” 

“Oh?.” Evan said seemingly dumbfounded, his face slightly pink. 

“O-on the summer break, I took the job to become an apprentice park ranger. The job required lots of knowledge on plants and trees, but I was able to make it in. I didn’t have to talk to many people or anything; only to be away from the internet for long hours.” At that point, Evan gave a little laugh. “One day though, I saw this huge tree - it was beautiful - so I-I thought It would be a good idea to climb it… ”

“You’d expect even an apprentice park ranger would know when a branch would break.” Evan concluded with a huff. 

At this point the boys both realised how late it had gotten. Although the sun was still up, around an hour had already passed. School would finish soon. 

“You know, t-this was pretty nice… to let everything out I-I guess” Evan expresses. Connor replies with a small nod of agreement and a smile. 

“Do you, uh, want a drive home?” Connor offered. “It’s getting late and it’ll probably take another two hours for you to walk back to school” 

“If that’s alright with you?” Evan replies meekly. 

… 

As they both headed out to the car, Connor untied the noose and took it with him. As Connor started the engine and drove out of the Orchard, he looked towards the rope in his hand. 

“Thank you for all of this.” Evan states, out of the blue. “W-what are you going to do with the rope?” 

Connor looks towards Evan earnestly. “Making sure we don’t fucking _kill_ ourselves anytime soon.” 

And with that, Connor rolled down his car window and threw out the piece of rope, smiling to himself and Evan.


	4. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It is done! I hope you enjoy this chapter and enjoyed this fic. I certainly had fun writing it!

The days for Connor and Evan are usually the same. Wake up, have a shower, eat breakfast, _take meds_ and go to school. Except, Evan scored a new friend. 

Going back to school was somewhat anxiety inducing, considering that the day before, both Evan and Connor stormed off after arguments with Jared. 

… 

As Evan finished classes and headed to lunch, both Jared and Alana motioned for him to sit next to them, to his surprise. 

“I-I thought you would be angry at me.” Evan said towards Jared. 

“Nah!” Jared exclaimed, while receiving an elbow to the stomach by Alana. “Ow!” 

“What he _MEANT_ to say was…?” Alana announced.

Jared sighed, looking towards Evan “I’m sorry, alright? What I said back then, I didn’t mean to. I don’t know _how_ you’re not pissed at me, but you didn’t deserve all that.”

“I, uh, forgive you, Jared.” Evan replies after a while, still quite surprised. 

“Good work!” Alana expressed towards Jared. “Told you, It wasn’t that hard.” 

As Alana chatted away and Jared typed on his computer, Evan looked around, trying to find Connor. It was recess, but that didn’t mean Connor would have skipped yet, right?

Evan looked around once more and finally found him; talking to his sister Zoe. Evan waved to get Connor’s attention, and just like Alana did to him; he motioned for Connor to sit down at their table.

“What the hell?” Jared said out of the blue, as Connor advanced toward the table. “You’re friends with _him_ now?!”

“Sure am!” Evan laughed proudly, leaving a dumbstruck Jared gawking at Connor.

After the bell rang though, Connor made his way to Evan.

“Hey, I was just wondering. After school, do you want to maybe head back to Orchard again? To maybe, uh, talk some more? -I can drive you, if you want?”

“I-I would love that.” Evan replied swiftly. 

… 

As the year progressed, Evan’s relationship with Connor grew closer and closer. Every day after school, they would _always_ drive to the Apple Orchard and talk. They would quote songs by their favorite bands, rant about their school life and the teachers they dislike, and even talk about the things they’ll do when we get out of school.

Connor learnt that Evan absolutely _loved nature_ , especially trees.

“Did you know, the scientific name for apple trees is Malus domestica? I think that’s pretty cool.” He once heard Evan say. 

“Sure is.” Connor responded happily. 

He learnt that Evan’s also saving up to go to college to become a writer. That he has social anxiety and used to have a small crush on his sister. 

Evan learnt that Connor is into philosophy, loves sci-fi books and is an artist. 

“You know, you can always change the story of how you broke your arm... Just say you were battling a racist dude!” Evan heard Connor joke. 

“What?” Evan laughed back. 

“To Kill a Mockingbird. At the end remember? Jem and Scout were running away from the redneck guy, but he broke Jem’s arm. So- it was like a battle wound!”

He also learnt that Connor had an ex-boyfriend named Migel, is Bisexual, and is somewhat bipolar.

Soon enough, because of Connor; Evan had learned how to speak more openly, and to stop apologizing so much. For Connor, because of Evan; he skipped school less and less and concentrated more in class. 

Although taking some convincing, Jared also seemed to quiet down around Connor. He stopped calling him ‘freak’ or ‘psycho,’ nor gossiped about him anymore. 

Connor learned how to deal with Jared, and eventually became friends with him. Alana also joined the group, stating that “Every clique needs a woman in it.” 

Evan had a real friend, a best friend or possibly even a boyfriend. Needless to say, Evan’s mom was impressed; even his therapist too. Zoe was proud of Connor, and soon their sibling relationship mended itself. Connor rarely finished the milk. 

At the end of the year, Evan and Connor officially declared themselves boyfriends, even though Alana called them out a few months prior. Heidi was super supportive of them both, Connor parents on the other hand, needed more convincing. 

Life was good. 

“C’mon tree boy! We’re gonna be late to school!” Connor shouted, pulling up in front of Evan’s house. 

“Well.” Evan replied, hopping into the car after a while. “Graduation isn’t going to complete itself, is it?”


End file.
